We the people of the Laura Chapman Restoration and Refurbishment co. in order to form a more perfect Laura, do desist trying to sound like the US Constitution and proceed with our demands already.
We demand the following:
Article 1: That Laura resurrect this blog, and keep it in ship shape and up to snuff. It has been horribly neglected, and we believe Laura has forsaken it purposefully. Why? Because she is afraid. Of what? We do not know. All we know is that her 14 year old self would be horribly ashamed to see her 16 year old self let her precious blog (and writing skills) fall into horrible disrepair. This abominable slothfulness must be eradicated posthaste.
Article 2 (that bears a small, cousin-like resemblance to Article 1): That she write in her journal every day. Shall her posterity have no record to show just how awesome the loins from which they came are?
...ew. Just kidding. We just believe that there are certain effing awesome experiences and thoughts and conversations that have long since been forgotten because our client failed to write them down. This cannot proceed.
Article 3: That she be kinder to people. She has ever so slowly evolved into a prideful prejudiced priggish pig. Shall she fail to evolve back into a human being (accepting and loving of everyone), this prideful prejudiced priggish pig shall be butchered into bacon, boiled, and ballooned to babbling baboons in Bangkok, if they can stomach the swine.
Article 4: That she use less alliterations....ugh.
Article 5: That she open up herself to trying new things. Food, music, exercise, waxing her legs, whatever. Saying "yes" more often may help.
Article 6: That she learn to be grateful. Less whining about her present situation or what she wants, more appreciating what she's got.
Article 7: That she look for the positive, even when frolicking through fields of negative. (Well, if she's frolicking, she'd be off to a good start already, wouldn't she?)
Article 8: That she not promptly ignore everything said in this document, which would be counter-productive and a waste of our time. And would give cause to enact the said consequence in Article 3! So maybe she should, after all. We loove bacon here at the firm. Bacon, bacon, bacon...
This concludes our presentation.
Now, go eat some bacon.
Amen.
